Problem Child
It looks like we've reached the end of our rope...guest post wise that is. Savor this, courtesy of Cav.
Kids crack me up with what they do and definitely with what they say. I think it will be a lot of fun to be a mom, but at the same time it will be a triumph of endurance. I have two big dogs. I have to keep up with them, pick up after them, let them out, etc. In a way, it is a good prep for having kids. Right?
Well, I have an idea for good child preparation. I will call it Kid-n-a-box. You can pick your gender by either a Tommy or a Lucy. Tommy is a two year old who has a bowl cut and wears blue osh koshes. Lucy is two year old with a curly top and wears pink osh koshes. Tommy and Lucy are perpetual two year olds. They aren't potty trained, they take naps, their teeth are coming in, they are scared of the dark, they are still learning to talk and don't necessarily know right from wrong. They also come with leashes. Hahaha.
Side note: Ever been to Disney Land or Six Flags where you see little kids on a leash and harness? Bwahahah. Makes me think of that SNL skit with Mike Myers tied to a jun
gle jim with a helmet on.
Anyway. They also, when times are bad, have an on/off switch, but you should rarely want to use it because you want it to be a learning experience.
Ok yes, I know this sounds weird. Why do I like the idea of Kid-n-a-Box? Straight up: because retribution of my childhood demons. My mom said I was the best baby. I hardly ever cried and would sleep all through the night and day. Then at an early age I. BEGAN. TO. CLIMB. AND. TALK. My mom will tell all that I was a holy terror before knowing the Lord and having some sort of conviction. I knew right from wrong and didn't care. Lucky for the world and for ME that at an early age I found redemption, but from about 1.5 to 7 I was in cahoots with the devil.
The stories of my chaotic childhood are infinite and alarming. If I did now what I did then, I would probably be in an asylum. My mom and even some old time friends said I was the most mischievous child they ever laid eyes on but also could get away with it because I was so gosh darn cute. Here are a few terrorizing things I did in the 80's.
Remember those little plastic boats we used to have for "bath time" that were different primary colors? Well, I thought it was necessary to flush all of them (I think 5 in all) down the toilet. This not only ruined the toilet, but also the plumbing. They ended up having to remove the toilet from the bolts on the floor. $$$ Remember those little hand held games before the game boy came along like Frogger and Donkey Kong? Yeah, well we had Pac Man, that my parents love, and in some rage I turned on the stove and put the game on the burner. Smells of burning plastic and batteries filled the air. It melted and ruined the burner. No more Pac Man. $$$ Remember those colorful alphabet magnets everyone put on their frige? I decided to take all the magnets off the refrigerator and put them on the underside where the motor ran. This actually ruins the mechanics of the frige. $$$ How would a 2 and a half year old know how to do all this? Dun Dun daah...the devil. I think everything listed above took place in one 24 hour period.
Another sad note, during this time I also was addicted to drugs. My mom once found me in the kitchen having an overdose. Yes, at the age of 3 I ate a whole bottle of Flinestone Vitamins and got to experience the wrath of ipecac syrup. I also did the same with childrens aspirin.
Then there was that other time I picked all the tulips out of our neighbor's yard and brought them to my mom - roots and all. That was a good one. I also drew with crayon on my neighbors formal dining room wall paper. Hey. I thought they needed a change. I remember one time getting a pop on my behind from some woman at church for taking a smurf stamp and stamping the white carpet.
Then of course...there was all the lying. Mom would say "Did you get in the chocolate cookies?" I would shake my head and say "No, Kyle got in them". Kyle = older brother. However, all the while I had chocolate all over my face, shirt and hands. Smoooth! I also remember inviting my neighborhood friend over and telling her kibble and bits was chex mix. She actually ate it and I laughed at her and she ran home. Devil child. Mom would also ask "Did you get money out of my purse". "No mommy, Kyle took it." My poor brother.
Speaking of brother, I would go into his room after he built a fort with sheets or blocks and come and destroy it like Godzilla and then laugh with glee. Also, I would open up drawers and empty them out so I could get in them too....hmmm...just to get in them. I would do the same thing with cereal. I would pour the whole box out on the floor. I also remember getting so mad at my brother I would try to choke him. Ahh, memories.
I know now my behavior was bad and that is why friends, I am scared the demon child gene will be passed on to my spawn. You know, what goes around comes around. On the other hand, my parents will also say I was a precious child yet bombadeer. Please do not think my behavior was a reflection of my mom and dad's parenting skills. Funny enough, my mom had a Masters in Early Childhood Development. In her defense, mom was at battle with Lucifer...me. She won in the end.
So in closing, like the good book says, point your kids in the right direction -- when they're old they won't be lost.
Well, I have an idea for good child preparation. I will call it Kid-n-a-box. You can pick your gender by either a Tommy or a Lucy. Tommy is a two year old who has a bowl cut and wears blue osh koshes. Lucy is two year old with a curly top and wears pink osh koshes. Tommy and Lucy are perpetual two year olds. They aren't potty trained, they take naps, their teeth are coming in, they are scared of the dark, they are still learning to talk and don't necessarily know right from wrong. They also come with leashes. Hahaha.
Side note: Ever been to Disney Land or Six Flags where you see little kids on a leash and harness? Bwahahah. Makes me think of that SNL skit with Mike Myers tied to a jun
gle jim with a helmet on.
Anyway. They also, when times are bad, have an on/off switch, but you should rarely want to use it because you want it to be a learning experience.
Ok yes, I know this sounds weird. Why do I like the idea of Kid-n-a-Box? Straight up: because retribution of my childhood demons. My mom said I was the best baby. I hardly ever cried and would sleep all through the night and day. Then at an early age I. BEGAN. TO. CLIMB. AND. TALK. My mom will tell all that I was a holy terror before knowing the Lord and having some sort of conviction. I knew right from wrong and didn't care. Lucky for the world and for ME that at an early age I found redemption, but from about 1.5 to 7 I was in cahoots with the devil.
The stories of my chaotic childhood are infinite and alarming. If I did now what I did then, I would probably be in an asylum. My mom and even some old time friends said I was the most mischievous child they ever laid eyes on but also could get away with it because I was so gosh darn cute. Here are a few terrorizing things I did in the 80's.
Remember those little plastic boats we used to have for "bath time" that were different primary colors? Well, I thought it was necessary to flush all of them (I think 5 in all) down the toilet. This not only ruined the toilet, but also the plumbing. They ended up having to remove the toilet from the bolts on the floor. $$$ Remember those little hand held games before the game boy came along like Frogger and Donkey Kong? Yeah, well we had Pac Man, that my parents love, and in some rage I turned on the stove and put the game on the burner. Smells of burning plastic and batteries filled the air. It melted and ruined the burner. No more Pac Man. $$$ Remember those colorful alphabet magnets everyone put on their frige? I decided to take all the magnets off the refrigerator and put them on the underside where the motor ran. This actually ruins the mechanics of the frige. $$$ How would a 2 and a half year old know how to do all this? Dun Dun daah...the devil. I think everything listed above took place in one 24 hour period.
Another sad note, during this time I also was addicted to drugs. My mom once found me in the kitchen having an overdose. Yes, at the age of 3 I ate a whole bottle of Flinestone Vitamins and got to experience the wrath of ipecac syrup. I also did the same with childrens aspirin.
Then there was that other time I picked all the tulips out of our neighbor's yard and brought them to my mom - roots and all. That was a good one. I also drew with crayon on my neighbors formal dining room wall paper. Hey. I thought they needed a change. I remember one time getting a pop on my behind from some woman at church for taking a smurf stamp and stamping the white carpet.
Then of course...there was all the lying. Mom would say "Did you get in the chocolate cookies?" I would shake my head and say "No, Kyle got in them". Kyle = older brother. However, all the while I had chocolate all over my face, shirt and hands. Smoooth! I also remember inviting my neighborhood friend over and telling her kibble and bits was chex mix. She actually ate it and I laughed at her and she ran home. Devil child. Mom would also ask "Did you get money out of my purse". "No mommy, Kyle took it." My poor brother.
Speaking of brother, I would go into his room after he built a fort with sheets or blocks and come and destroy it like Godzilla and then laugh with glee. Also, I would open up drawers and empty them out so I could get in them too....hmmm...just to get in them. I would do the same thing with cereal. I would pour the whole box out on the floor. I also remember getting so mad at my brother I would try to choke him. Ahh, memories.
I know now my behavior was bad and that is why friends, I am scared the demon child gene will be passed on to my spawn. You know, what goes around comes around. On the other hand, my parents will also say I was a precious child yet bombadeer. Please do not think my behavior was a reflection of my mom and dad's parenting skills. Funny enough, my mom had a Masters in Early Childhood Development. In her defense, mom was at battle with Lucifer...me. She won in the end.
So in closing, like the good book says, point your kids in the right direction -- when they're old they won't be lost.
Here I am with my devilish laugh and spreading fruit loops from east coast to west.
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