We're Living In A Material World, And I Am A Kohl's Girl

Picture this.

The year is 1990. You need to find a new blouse to wear to match the blazer you're wearing to that interview on Friday.

Or maybe, just maybe, there's a rad party going down at the coolest boy in school's house and you need a kickass pair of jeans to make him sit up and take notice.

So you hope in your car, or your mom's car as the case may be, and you cruise for the elusive perfect outfit.

But where to go?

Most likely you end up at the mall, because it's one stop shopping and thensome. It's got smaller stores to browse through, but it has large, anchor stores too like JCPenney's, Sears, or Lord & Taylor. If those don't work you can always hit Bradlees, Kmart or Caldor on the way home.

Now fast forward fifteen years. Rinse and repeat.

Only this time, where do you go?

The answer my friends, is simple.

You go to Kohl's.

Now if present day self met past self, surely past day self would be in the cold on this one. This is because up until a few years ago, the "cult of Kohl's" had yet to make it's attack expansion across the country of America.

But present day self is older, wiser and quite frankly, better at accessorizing. And who does present day self have to thank for this newfound material bliss? Well Mr. Kohl's, of course.

It happened slowly, yet suddenly, not unlike the inexplicable success of all things Linday Lohan. All I knew was that Caldor made a quiet exit and Bradlees went out with a whimper, not a bang. In their place came the equally brilliant, Target.

In fact, the only reason Target did not top Kohl's on this list is because Kohl's has an uncanny ability to make you spend money like no other anchor store, ever.

Just journey to a Kohl's near you and you'll know what I mean. It's like going to a carnival, only at all the booths are clothing and there are no balloons or jugglers. At grand openings perhaps, just not on your average weekday.

What you DO get on your average weekday, however, is like Jem once said, truly, truly, truly outrageous. Everything, and I do mean everythng, goes on sale, somehow, someway. Hell, things that you don't even think are on sale but you decide to buy anyway usually end up being on sale once you purchase them. This is thanks to their Tourette's like approach to sale savings:

You're wearing blue today! Allow us to deduct an additional 15%!

I see your name starts with a J! You get to choose a second pair of capri's for free!

It's insane.

At Christmas I got this sweater that came with a matching scarf. So when the season died down I went back to see what was reduced. I went home with at least six new sweaters that day, each one cheaper than the next, none of which were over $6.00! Sweater deals for $6.00!? I can't even get lunch for that price anymore!!

So now I wonder. How in the hell do department stores like JC Penney's and Sears even stay in business? I mean really. Between Target and Kohl's, who needs to shop there anymore? Oh sure, they have a "deal" from time to time, but as Sinead O Connor once said, Nothing Compares 2 U. We never did know the U she was talking about. Of course that was back in 1990.

Maybe she was the girl searching for the blouse, or the jeans.

Either way, she obviously knew something we didn't.