Write Back Weekend "How Can We Be Friends If We Can't Be Lovers?"

Before I dive into the friends vs. lovers debate, I have to say happy Lovers Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

Now on to the hot debate of the week...Can men and women truly be friends?

I can see from the comments I received, my readers are clearly split on the issue. As for me, I'm what I like to call an "optimstic pessimist". This means I believe it can happen, but it's also not likely.

Scott over at Drunkenness Prohibited wrote an interesting, detailed response as a result of this question. He looks at it from not only a male/female perspective, but the type of males and females we are talking about. For instance, are they both straight? If so, he says it's a no go. If one is gay, it's much more likely to work.

I think it was implied in my question though that both parties need to be straight in order to analyze this question properly. Then again, when you bring a gay man or woman into the picture, the straight person in the scenario may secretly long the gay one will change their mind. I know what I'm talking about. I used to watch Will & Grace.

When I was in high school, one of my best friends was a guy. He had a lot of friends that were girls, most of which were strictly platonic scenarios. He had sorta hooked up with one girl in our "inner circle" and he had crushes on two friends of mine. At the time my parents always wondered why I didn't date him because he seemed like such a nice boy.

Fast forward a few years and the nice boy was still nice, only now he was an openly gay man. And no, I DON'T mean he grew to be exceptionally happy.

Then there's the whole co-worker situation. Many times, men and women become friends through their jobs and it remains kosher. Common ground includes job related woes, but usually there's a profesional line you just can't cross even if you wanted to. That however does not mean that either party cannot be attracted to the other, even if they don't act upon it.

But then again, I met my boyfriend at work in a Pam/Jim thing a la The Office. Of course I wasn't engaged, but our blossoming friendship was under constant scrutiny in a small, gossip charged office. I don't know about you ladies, but I'd have trouble staying just friends with this man too. But back to real life. My boyfriend and I started out as friends, which incidentally I think is the *best* way to start a relationship with a potential boyfriend/girlfriend. This allowed me to believe that he truly wanted to get to know me for me, and not just get in my pants. After the fact, my boyfriend says that's only half true.

I was also friends with another guy who worked in the office who was about the same age, but he was married. We still keep in touch and meet up for drinks from time to time. My boyfriend insists that while I hold the cards, this guy would totally go for a hook up, even if he is married. I don't like to believe it's true, but considering he has cheated on his wife before I do have my doubts. But again, it takes two to tango, so nothing has ever remotely happened.

But like some of you have pointed out, sometimes there is an initial attraction that whether acted upon or not, can get out of someone's system. Maybe it's someone you once dated and you've both moved on or maybe it's someone you never dated because the timing wasn't right. Usually though the security in this scenario revolves around the involved parties themselves and needs to be taken on a case by case basis.

And what if they are single or attached? Does the answer change? Some people might think a friend of the opposite sex is attractive, but they would never act upon it out of respect for their current relationship. If that relationship ends though, all bets are off. And really, what's wrong with that?

As some of you mentioned though, when and if it works, it can be a great thing. I personally love getting the chance to vent to a guy friend more than a girl friend. This is because they offer a perspective some of the same sex cannot no matter how hard they try. It's just finding these relationships, especially once you reach a certain age, that's the hard part. If you have one of these relationships you're lucky.

Finally, there's the interesting point that good blogging friend Pratt brought up. I have many friends and readers via AOGB who are male. I don't have any interest in hooking up with any of them. No offense. I can't speak for how they feel about me. But the point is, does it really count if you can't see them? Would the situation be different for a lot of bloggers who break the mold? Even Pratt will tell you that I questioned his motives when we first started talking...just because you never know...and you want to make sure as a woman, you make your boundaries clear.

After that, all bets are off.

So to review, can men and women be just friends? I leave you with a comment made by Honestyrain:

"no. i mean, probably yes, but no. definitely not. except sometimes, but even then, no, not really."