Write Back Weekend "Bad To The Bone"
Last Tuesday I asked you to tell me where it hurts. Well, figuratively speaking that is. The question was what were the worst movies you ever saw.
Before I dive into my list, I have to give credit to something Whimsy Chick said about movie watching:
"I find that the more movies I see, the higher my standards become. What used to pass for entertainment several years ago, now rarely rates above disappointing."
I couldn't agree with her more.
I don't know if it's the passage of time or just that movies themselves have just become ways to pass the time. Whatever it is, I find I used to be obsessed with movie watching and rewatching, but lately I'm truly immersed in very few films.
Now for my choices. It was very hard recalling all the horrible films I've seen in my life (although I know there were many). Of course there are also some movies that I need not watch to know they would probably make the worst ever list. Beautician and the Beast is one example. Hot To Trot is another.
But in all fairness, I haven't seen those movies, so I can't list them here. So I will make a promise to you that all of the movies listed below are films I have seen and therefore can personally vouch for their crappiness. Certainly there are other candidates equally if not more deserving of the title, but these are the ones that came to mind at the time of this post.
1. Nothing But Trouble- Even Sharkbait agreed with me on this one. When I think of the worst movies of all time this movie is always the first one I think of. I don't even recall what it was about. I must have blocked it out because it was just that bad. But what made it even worse is that it had a good cast: Chevy Chase, John Candy, Demi Moore. Even Dan Aykroyd starred in, co-wrote and directed it! About all that's good that I can say about it is that it lives up to its title.
2. Cursed- This was the movie that inspired it all as I just watched it last week. Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg star as a brother and sister who begin to transform into werewolves after being bit by one.
The problem with werewolf movies is that it is very hard to walk the line of believability and ridiculousness. Teen Wolf was ridiculous, but it wasn't trying to be serious. Cursed on the other hand, doesn't know what it wants to be.
Interestingly enough you'll also notice that all of the actors in the movie begin to have wolf like resemblances after the first 20 minutes or so. I don't know if this was circumstantial or intentional.
3. Little Nicky- Adam Sandler is like a cheeseburger. When prepared properly, cheeseburgers are very enjoyable. When under or overcooked, however, cheeseburgers are not nearly as good. This is an example of one of those undercooked cheeseburgers. The Waterboy is another one.
4. Date Movie- Another recent addition to the list, Date Movie follows in the footsteps of the Scary Movie franchise. It's not scary, at least not in that way, but it's got the whole 10 minutes are entertaining, the rest is crap formula down pat.
5. Josie and the Pussycats- I still can remember how much I wanted to see this movie when it first came out. It was all about a girl rock group and it had a cute theme song Three Small Words, sung by one of my favorite female vocalists, Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo. I'm still apologizing to myself. I'm almost to the point of forgiving me.
6. Showgirls- I don't think anyone who has ever seen Showgirls and also has complied worst movie list would disagree with me here. Not only was the writing bad, the acting was bad and the casting was shocking. And somebody said Jessie Spano was most likely to succeed? Mr. Belding would not approve.
7. Deuce Bigaloo Anything- Listen, if Rob Schneider, Jon Lovitz or Chris Kattan or are in the lead role I'm gonna need you to put down the remote control and back away verrrry slowly.
8. Napoleon Dynamite- I'm sure I'll get hell for this one, but I really don't care. I know it's somehow a cultural phenomenon. "Vote for Pedro" is on pencils and t-shirts and my space pages galore. But it's like the William Hung of movies. It sucks. You know it. I know it. Only some have chosen to embrace it.
9. The Village- Once upon a time there was a brilliant storyteller/movie maker named M. Night Shyamalan. A new filmmaker, he made truly wonderful movies with Signs, Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense, two of which are now amongst my favorite films of all time. But then he made The Village and something went horribly, horribly wrong. It's one thing when a good filmmaker makes a bad film, but he went from the worst to the best. I'm truly hoping The Lady In The Water will help bring up his overall GPA.
10. The Sweetest Thing- Anybody who tells you The Sweetest Thing is not that bad of a movie must be a guy. I say this because other than to look at the eye candy known as Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz and Selma Blair, this movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
12. The Doom Generation or Nowhere- When I first rented The Doom Generation I was 18 years old. I did not know Rose McGowan was one of the scariest women, ever and I thought Johnathon Schaech was kinda cute. Little did I know The Doom Generation would be a psychedelic trip to nowhere, which is, ironically, exactly where the same filmmaker went when he made a film by the same name a few years later.
13. Jackass: The Movie- Let's get something straight. I am not a teenage boy. Nor am I a middle aged man still wishing I was a teenage boy. This is why I do not now, nor will I ever, understand the appeal of the Jackass franchise. These are stupid people who only look smart when you compare them to the people who actual shell out money to see this filth.
14. The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant- This movie is a special rotten tomato. I say that because while it truly is a horrendous movie, it is also the only movie on my list that I whole heartedly recommend you watch someday. I was fortunate enough to come across this "gem" one afternoon a few years ago. It stars Bruce Dern as a scientist who is trying to conduct the first ever head transplant. He succeeds in doing this, only with a killer's body, and suddenly there's a 2 headed, transplanted killer on the loose!
If that doesn't seal the deal, look (and listen) for Casey "keep your feet on the ground but keep reaching for the stars" Kasem to pop up in not one, but two roles. One as Dern's friend, another as the radio announcer.
So there you have it, the best of the worst. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Before I dive into my list, I have to give credit to something Whimsy Chick said about movie watching:
"I find that the more movies I see, the higher my standards become. What used to pass for entertainment several years ago, now rarely rates above disappointing."
I couldn't agree with her more.
I don't know if it's the passage of time or just that movies themselves have just become ways to pass the time. Whatever it is, I find I used to be obsessed with movie watching and rewatching, but lately I'm truly immersed in very few films.
Now for my choices. It was very hard recalling all the horrible films I've seen in my life (although I know there were many). Of course there are also some movies that I need not watch to know they would probably make the worst ever list. Beautician and the Beast is one example. Hot To Trot is another.
But in all fairness, I haven't seen those movies, so I can't list them here. So I will make a promise to you that all of the movies listed below are films I have seen and therefore can personally vouch for their crappiness. Certainly there are other candidates equally if not more deserving of the title, but these are the ones that came to mind at the time of this post.
1. Nothing But Trouble- Even Sharkbait agreed with me on this one. When I think of the worst movies of all time this movie is always the first one I think of. I don't even recall what it was about. I must have blocked it out because it was just that bad. But what made it even worse is that it had a good cast: Chevy Chase, John Candy, Demi Moore. Even Dan Aykroyd starred in, co-wrote and directed it! About all that's good that I can say about it is that it lives up to its title.
2. Cursed- This was the movie that inspired it all as I just watched it last week. Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg star as a brother and sister who begin to transform into werewolves after being bit by one.
The problem with werewolf movies is that it is very hard to walk the line of believability and ridiculousness. Teen Wolf was ridiculous, but it wasn't trying to be serious. Cursed on the other hand, doesn't know what it wants to be.
Interestingly enough you'll also notice that all of the actors in the movie begin to have wolf like resemblances after the first 20 minutes or so. I don't know if this was circumstantial or intentional.
3. Little Nicky- Adam Sandler is like a cheeseburger. When prepared properly, cheeseburgers are very enjoyable. When under or overcooked, however, cheeseburgers are not nearly as good. This is an example of one of those undercooked cheeseburgers. The Waterboy is another one.
4. Date Movie- Another recent addition to the list, Date Movie follows in the footsteps of the Scary Movie franchise. It's not scary, at least not in that way, but it's got the whole 10 minutes are entertaining, the rest is crap formula down pat.
5. Josie and the Pussycats- I still can remember how much I wanted to see this movie when it first came out. It was all about a girl rock group and it had a cute theme song Three Small Words, sung by one of my favorite female vocalists, Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo. I'm still apologizing to myself. I'm almost to the point of forgiving me.
6. Showgirls- I don't think anyone who has ever seen Showgirls and also has complied worst movie list would disagree with me here. Not only was the writing bad, the acting was bad and the casting was shocking. And somebody said Jessie Spano was most likely to succeed? Mr. Belding would not approve.
7. Deuce Bigaloo Anything- Listen, if Rob Schneider, Jon Lovitz or Chris Kattan or are in the lead role I'm gonna need you to put down the remote control and back away verrrry slowly.
8. Napoleon Dynamite- I'm sure I'll get hell for this one, but I really don't care. I know it's somehow a cultural phenomenon. "Vote for Pedro" is on pencils and t-shirts and my space pages galore. But it's like the William Hung of movies. It sucks. You know it. I know it. Only some have chosen to embrace it.
9. The Village- Once upon a time there was a brilliant storyteller/movie maker named M. Night Shyamalan. A new filmmaker, he made truly wonderful movies with Signs, Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense, two of which are now amongst my favorite films of all time. But then he made The Village and something went horribly, horribly wrong. It's one thing when a good filmmaker makes a bad film, but he went from the worst to the best. I'm truly hoping The Lady In The Water will help bring up his overall GPA.
10. The Sweetest Thing- Anybody who tells you The Sweetest Thing is not that bad of a movie must be a guy. I say this because other than to look at the eye candy known as Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz and Selma Blair, this movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
12. The Doom Generation or Nowhere- When I first rented The Doom Generation I was 18 years old. I did not know Rose McGowan was one of the scariest women, ever and I thought Johnathon Schaech was kinda cute. Little did I know The Doom Generation would be a psychedelic trip to nowhere, which is, ironically, exactly where the same filmmaker went when he made a film by the same name a few years later.
13. Jackass: The Movie- Let's get something straight. I am not a teenage boy. Nor am I a middle aged man still wishing I was a teenage boy. This is why I do not now, nor will I ever, understand the appeal of the Jackass franchise. These are stupid people who only look smart when you compare them to the people who actual shell out money to see this filth.
14. The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant- This movie is a special rotten tomato. I say that because while it truly is a horrendous movie, it is also the only movie on my list that I whole heartedly recommend you watch someday. I was fortunate enough to come across this "gem" one afternoon a few years ago. It stars Bruce Dern as a scientist who is trying to conduct the first ever head transplant. He succeeds in doing this, only with a killer's body, and suddenly there's a 2 headed, transplanted killer on the loose!
If that doesn't seal the deal, look (and listen) for Casey "keep your feet on the ground but keep reaching for the stars" Kasem to pop up in not one, but two roles. One as Dern's friend, another as the radio announcer.
So there you have it, the best of the worst. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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