I Wanna Go Back And Do It All Over, But I Can't Go Back I Know
Last weekend my parents and I decided to take a little trip to a local college campus. We were scouting out possible locations to take pictures for the wedding since where I'm having the reception really doesn't have a lot of scenery. It's a long story, but the campus came to mind because it's local and since I went there for graduate school, usage of the campus is free. It's a pretty campus and houses the building that was used as the mansion in the movie Annie. The only down side is we have to wait 4 to 6 months prior before booking. Yet as my mom said when we were walking away, "She thinks we're gonna like it here."
As we were getting in the car and driving away, I noticed a college student walking up to another car. Suddenly a twinge of sadness came over me. This is not the first time this has happened, but the setting definitely had something to do with it. It occurred to me that my purpose of being on a college campus that day was a very different one than before. Here was a student who was still in the midst of his formative years, yet to feel the cruelty of a world away from meal plans and keg stands. A world where people stop being polite and start getting real.
While part of me doesn't envy the whole "awkward years experience", I can't help but feel sad when I think about the finality of how that part of my life is over...for good. Ever since I graduated college, this part of the summer has caused me to become a bit melancholy. It starts when I go to the stores and see all the cheap back to school dorm furniture and it overflows into my own back to school preparations. No longer am I preparing as a student, however. In fact the closest I'll ever get to preparing for that again is the preparation I do for my students or, dare I say it, children of my own one day.
If there's one regret I have in life it would probably be the way I lived my college years. In short, I don't think I really lived them enough. Don't get me wrong, I made some really great friends and had some valuable experiences, but being shy and reserved also closed me off to a lot of experiences, too. When I set foot on a college campus the first time I was petrified about the prospect of being two hours away from home and starting over. Now that idea sounds like heaven. It's the unknown that makes it exciting and the knowing that that sort of exciting uncertainty will never happen to me again that makes me sulk.
When you go to college, you have a chance to start fresh and form new friendships, and enemies as the case may be. I wrote just recently about how I found one of my best friends during college orientation by not being afraid to break out of my shell and meet new people, but that doesn't tell the whole story. Historically, after I find a few people I am close and comfortable with, I tend to lose the ability to be instantly charismatic. In survival mode, I can be rather charming, but once I've found my niche, I annoyingly go back into my shell. Because of this, I think I missed out on some of the more fun moments that college has to offer.
I'll never forget being so was excited to learn who my new roommate was going to be. I'm a firm believer in your relationship with your roommate setting the tone for your college experience, at least at first. I don't think I would have gelled well with a total partier, but the girl I ended up with was at the opposite end of the spectrum. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet girl who I still talk to till this day, but she made ME look outgoing. Had I been paired with someone who was more of an extrovert I think it would have forced me to discover that side of my personality. But instead it never panned out that way.
There are a series of events that lead me to have the type of college experience that I had. Some of them were within my control, others were not. Regardless of the reasons, my memories of college leave me wanting more. What's even worse is that even if I could do those years over knowing what I know now, I don't know if I'd have the guts to live them the way I'd want to. Every year that passes reminds me I'm only getting further and further away from that time of my life. College freshman who are heading off to school for the first time are lucky to be purchasing the shiny new notebooks and over expensive text books. They are even lucky to be inheriting brand new means of angst and agony.
Unfortunately, they probably won't know it until it's too late.
As we were getting in the car and driving away, I noticed a college student walking up to another car. Suddenly a twinge of sadness came over me. This is not the first time this has happened, but the setting definitely had something to do with it. It occurred to me that my purpose of being on a college campus that day was a very different one than before. Here was a student who was still in the midst of his formative years, yet to feel the cruelty of a world away from meal plans and keg stands. A world where people stop being polite and start getting real.
While part of me doesn't envy the whole "awkward years experience", I can't help but feel sad when I think about the finality of how that part of my life is over...for good. Ever since I graduated college, this part of the summer has caused me to become a bit melancholy. It starts when I go to the stores and see all the cheap back to school dorm furniture and it overflows into my own back to school preparations. No longer am I preparing as a student, however. In fact the closest I'll ever get to preparing for that again is the preparation I do for my students or, dare I say it, children of my own one day.
If there's one regret I have in life it would probably be the way I lived my college years. In short, I don't think I really lived them enough. Don't get me wrong, I made some really great friends and had some valuable experiences, but being shy and reserved also closed me off to a lot of experiences, too. When I set foot on a college campus the first time I was petrified about the prospect of being two hours away from home and starting over. Now that idea sounds like heaven. It's the unknown that makes it exciting and the knowing that that sort of exciting uncertainty will never happen to me again that makes me sulk.
When you go to college, you have a chance to start fresh and form new friendships, and enemies as the case may be. I wrote just recently about how I found one of my best friends during college orientation by not being afraid to break out of my shell and meet new people, but that doesn't tell the whole story. Historically, after I find a few people I am close and comfortable with, I tend to lose the ability to be instantly charismatic. In survival mode, I can be rather charming, but once I've found my niche, I annoyingly go back into my shell. Because of this, I think I missed out on some of the more fun moments that college has to offer.
I'll never forget being so was excited to learn who my new roommate was going to be. I'm a firm believer in your relationship with your roommate setting the tone for your college experience, at least at first. I don't think I would have gelled well with a total partier, but the girl I ended up with was at the opposite end of the spectrum. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet girl who I still talk to till this day, but she made ME look outgoing. Had I been paired with someone who was more of an extrovert I think it would have forced me to discover that side of my personality. But instead it never panned out that way.
There are a series of events that lead me to have the type of college experience that I had. Some of them were within my control, others were not. Regardless of the reasons, my memories of college leave me wanting more. What's even worse is that even if I could do those years over knowing what I know now, I don't know if I'd have the guts to live them the way I'd want to. Every year that passes reminds me I'm only getting further and further away from that time of my life. College freshman who are heading off to school for the first time are lucky to be purchasing the shiny new notebooks and over expensive text books. They are even lucky to be inheriting brand new means of angst and agony.
Unfortunately, they probably won't know it until it's too late.
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