Private Parts
I've decided there's only one thing tackier than celebrities who exploit themselves on psuedo reality shows:
This is celebrities who bite the hand that feeds them by exploiting themselves as a response to such exploitation.
Case in point, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. Back in the early 2000's, very few people knew who Jessica Simpson was and even fewer people knew Mr. Lachey. That number was cut back even further when you factored in those who actually cared.
But then a little reality show called Newlyweds came along, changing everything.
Suddenly everyone loved the real life bobblehead known as Jessica Simpson. People wondered, Could she really be that dumb? And then another amazing thing happened --people actually started to dig her music and like, cast her in actual movies. Yes, without Newlyweds we might never have had Dukes of Hazzard the movie or weeks of Drew Lachey on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. Thanks MTV.
But back to Nick and Jessica. With Newlyweds, they quickly became America's sweethearts. People everywhere were not only rooting for the success of their careers, but also, the success of their marriage.
And then, the inevitable unexpected happened. Nick and Jessica, after fighting off months of rumors that said otherwise, finally broke it off for good.
Americans everywhere mourned. They hadn't felt this sad since the days Brad broke up with Gwen. Or was that when Brad broke up with Jen? At any rate, they were majorly bummed out.
Like Whitney Houston once asked, where do broken hearts go, especially when they are rich and famous hearts? Well apparently they get a pen, some paper and a synthizer and start bad mouthing each other through song.
First up, the slaughtered, gutted and heartbroken, Nick Lachey. One good thing did come out of Lachey's relationship with Simpson and that one thing is that people rightfully realized Lachey was pretty, too! All kidding aside, Lachey can sing, better in fact, than Miss Jessica, in my humble opinion.
So Lachey releases the inner demons about the demise of his relationship with Jessica by releasing, the tortured, What's Left of Me. With lyrics like, "Cause I want you -- and I feel you -- crawling underneath my skin. Like a hunger, like a burnin -- to find a place I've never been. Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be--But you can have -- what's left of me", pop music hasn't felt a break up run so deep since the tears cried in Justin Timberlake's river.
But anyone whose ever seen War of the Roses knows no jilted divorcee is just going to go quietly into the night, especially when that jilted divorcee is Jessica Simspon.
So now Jessica has struck back with her upbeat crapfest, entitled Public Affair. Although she is adamantly denying her Patti LaBelle like partying, new attitude has anything to do with her big time break up, this is just the tip of the iceberg. See Public Affair is not only the title of her new single, it's also the title of her new album which is full of titles with not so mixed messages.
Other songs on the album include Swing With Me, Sexified, Let It Go, Anyone's Somebody and my personal favorite, Far From the Truth. I mean I guess writing about what you know is what people always tell you to do, right? So if being a hypocritical,half talented bottle blonde and the guy who actually married her thinking it could work is your reality, why not put it out there?
But I say, why stop there? Why be coy? Just write songs that say how you guys really feel. So Jessica and Nick, if you guys are reading this, might I be as bold to throw out a few title suggestions for the next album:
1. It's Not Me, It's You
2. You're So Vain (Jessica just loves her remakes!)
3. Half My Assets, My Ass
4. Don't Hate Me Because I'm More Beautiful
5. Midnight Train To Rebound (a new twist on an old classic)
6. Forever Suddenly Got A Lot Shorter
7. Love Won't Keep Us Together (But Desperation Might Spark A Reunion)
I could go on and on. But why do that when ex celebrity couples can do that for me?
This is celebrities who bite the hand that feeds them by exploiting themselves as a response to such exploitation.
Case in point, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. Back in the early 2000's, very few people knew who Jessica Simpson was and even fewer people knew Mr. Lachey. That number was cut back even further when you factored in those who actually cared.
But then a little reality show called Newlyweds came along, changing everything.
Suddenly everyone loved the real life bobblehead known as Jessica Simpson. People wondered, Could she really be that dumb? And then another amazing thing happened --people actually started to dig her music and like, cast her in actual movies. Yes, without Newlyweds we might never have had Dukes of Hazzard the movie or weeks of Drew Lachey on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. Thanks MTV.
But back to Nick and Jessica. With Newlyweds, they quickly became America's sweethearts. People everywhere were not only rooting for the success of their careers, but also, the success of their marriage.
And then, the
Americans everywhere mourned. They hadn't felt this sad since the days Brad broke up with Gwen. Or was that when Brad broke up with Jen? At any rate, they were majorly bummed out.
Like Whitney Houston once asked, where do broken hearts go, especially when they are rich and famous hearts? Well apparently they get a pen, some paper and a synthizer and start bad mouthing each other through song.
First up, the slaughtered, gutted and heartbroken, Nick Lachey. One good thing did come out of Lachey's relationship with Simpson and that one thing is that people rightfully realized Lachey was pretty, too! All kidding aside, Lachey can sing, better in fact, than Miss Jessica, in my humble opinion.
So Lachey releases the inner demons about the demise of his relationship with Jessica by releasing, the tortured, What's Left of Me. With lyrics like, "Cause I want you -- and I feel you -- crawling underneath my skin. Like a hunger, like a burnin -- to find a place I've never been. Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be--But you can have -- what's left of me", pop music hasn't felt a break up run so deep since the tears cried in Justin Timberlake's river.
But anyone whose ever seen War of the Roses knows no jilted divorcee is just going to go quietly into the night, especially when that jilted divorcee is Jessica Simspon.
So now Jessica has struck back with her upbeat crapfest, entitled Public Affair. Although she is adamantly denying her Patti LaBelle like partying, new attitude has anything to do with her big time break up, this is just the tip of the iceberg. See Public Affair is not only the title of her new single, it's also the title of her new album which is full of titles with not so mixed messages.
Other songs on the album include Swing With Me, Sexified, Let It Go, Anyone's Somebody and my personal favorite, Far From the Truth. I mean I guess writing about what you know is what people always tell you to do, right? So if being a hypocritical,half talented bottle blonde and the guy who actually married her thinking it could work is your reality, why not put it out there?
But I say, why stop there? Why be coy? Just write songs that say how you guys really feel. So Jessica and Nick, if you guys are reading this, might I be as bold to throw out a few title suggestions for the next album:
1. It's Not Me, It's You
2. You're So Vain (Jessica just loves her remakes!)
3. Half My Assets, My Ass
4. Don't Hate Me Because I'm More Beautiful
5. Midnight Train To Rebound (a new twist on an old classic)
6. Forever Suddenly Got A Lot Shorter
7. Love Won't Keep Us Together (But Desperation Might Spark A Reunion)
I could go on and on. But why do that when ex celebrity couples can do that for me?
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