I Fought The Law And The Law Sorta Won

Some of you may recall my brush with the law from a few months ago. In short, I was caught speeding on a speed traperific road one quiet Sunday morning in February. I was on my way to a wake. Report cards were due that week. But all I could think of to say was, "I'm sorry, I had to pee and I'm not from the area." I know, smooth right?

Now this my friends, is not to be confused with my other car related mishap that occured one icy Wednesday morning in March. I swear, I never in my life have had such bad car related luck. Seriously. In fact, for years I was actually paralyzed with fear at the thought of driving and so in light of this all, it's amazing I've gotten back behind the wheel. Just ask anyone who knows me. Of course, you'll just have to take my word on this one.

But back to the ticket at hand. The cop was one of those, "no nonsense, look at me when I'm talking to you boy" kinda cops. The kind of cop actors like Bill Paxton were born to play. Needless to say not only did he give me a ticket, he gave me a 4 point ticket. So hi ho, hi ho, it was off to court I go.

Originally, if I had taken my medicine and plead guilty, my case would have been heard way back in February. But since I called to plead not guilty, I got a new court date, sometime in March. Then a week or so later, the court rescheduled me for the end of April. This was both good and bad news. Good because I could put of the inevitable, but bad because I was putting off the inevitable.

Finally judgment day came. My dad came with me for moral support. He had high hopes of my talking the ticket down from a 4 pointer to a 2 pointer, while I had even higher hopes of getting a no point ticket. I figured it pays to dream big every once and awhile.

We got there early because the town I got pulled over in is like 30 miles from my home. We didn't want to risk being late, which is virtually impossible because us Branagan's are hands down, the most punctual people you will ever meet.

Immediately I was struck by the fact that the courthouse looked like something out of Little House On The Prairie and the people waiting outside looked like extras from a John Cougar Mellencamp video. I had the most teeth, for sure. I figured I was a shoo in on that alone. In fact, there was one couple that came each bearing their own indivdual summons to appear before the court. Talk about giving a whole new meaning to the term, quality time.

After checking in, we sat in the shoebox sized courtroom and waited for the prosecutor to come out and hear our cases. Then the prosecutor came out and said the oddest thing, "Ok, I'm going to hear the non-guilty pleas now. Just so you know, if you are looking for a no point ticket, you're looking at around 400 dollars. That doesn't come from me, it comes from the state. So don't blame me, k?" Umm, ok.

I was called early on and before I said anything he said, "I can get this down to two points." Suddenly I felt like a contestant on Let's Make A Deal. I went to ask about getting a no point ticket but my dad interjected with the exact same thing I was going to say "it's her first offense. Plus it was a speed trap asshole and she wasn't going that fast and even if she was, where are all the dicks who usually pass her on that road? Huh? Huh?!"

Ok, maybe not that last part.

So it was out there. He knew I wanted no points. He knew we knew the cost that was involved. But we knew that he knew that we knew that the costs would be even worse if my insurance got raised. So he said ok. Just like that. As long as a cop didn't protest that is.

Luck for me, the alphabet was on my side and I was called first. Of course, being called first before a judge when you are so nervous you might pee your pants is never a good thing. Actually, when you think about it "pee" is what kind got me there to begin with, but I digress. So the judge read my charge. He asked me how I plea. I said guilty, as instructed although I don't understand the whole judicial system because you have to go to plead not guilty only to turn around and plead guilty, but whatever.

I thought I was over. I said my line, exit stage left. But then he started asking me questions.

Him: Have you ever done this before?
Me: No.
Him: Are you sure?

At this point I am outwardly shaking head, inside I'm saying what the hell, people actually lie at this point? And even if they do, who's dumb enough to go and spill the beans right then and there?

Then he asks the mysterious, "Do you have anything else to add?" At this point I'm confused. I felt like I was part of the class Barry Gibb talk show skit on SNL. Add to what? Did he talk to the prosecutor? Does he want to know about the time I was five and stole gum from a supermarket because I thought it was ok to just take those things? What?! What does he want?!!!

So I said, "No, I already talked about my case with the prosecutor." So he said, "Well, I'm not the prosecutor, I don't know what you talked about." At this point I looked at the prosecutor, pleading to be rescued. He valiantly stepped in saying, "She said she was sorry."

She said she was sorry?! That's all you got? And you call yourself a prosecutor!

Amazingly though, it worked! He read off my sentence, I mumbled a thank you and stumbled out of the courtroom. Then I confusingly turned to my dad and said, "so wait, did I get the points or not?" As it turns out, neither one of us knew.

In the end, I didn't get the points, but I did have to pay the hefty fine of $414.00 thank you very much.

The moral of the story is simple. If you should get a traffic violation you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Grab the bull by the horns. Go for the gusto.

Whatever you do, don't quote Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55", cause something tells me that won't go over too well.