All Stuffed Up With No Place To Go
Ugh.
I hate getting colds.
I know what you're thinking. Duh...Who likes getting colds? But I hate getting colds times infinity which means I really, really hate getting colds.
One downside of working in elementary education is the amount of germs you are exposed to on a daily basis. In fact, if you are OCD about germs I'd suggest staying away from the little ones. Did you hear me, Howie Mandell?
Luckily, the longer you work in education, the more of an immunity they say you build up. So this year I was sick around October and that was it...until now.
Having a cold in the springtime is just plain weird. Think about it. A cold in spring. Now that ain't right at all. Unlike when you get a cold in the winter, in the spring you feel even more stuffed up especially on humid days, like today. Sure every other week has been unseasonably cool but no, not this week. This is the week that it's supposed to get into the 80's. Hip freakin' hooray.
My hatred for colds does not come without reason. Sure YOU may hate getting a cold, but I can prove why it sucks even more when I get a cold. For one thing, once my cold is gone, I'm usually still sick. (Disclaimer: semi-gross stuff to immediately follow) See, after the snotty stuff moves from most folks noses, the cold is also, effectively removed. Not with me. No, the snotty stuff usually migrates to my throat, causing me to have a hacking cough which makes me suddenly sound like I'm a 3 pack a day smoker sans the Harvey Fierstein voice.
But the fun doesn't end there. While the whole throat thing is going on, apparently the mucus is multiplying and now heads towards my ears. Just like the big bad wolf, I'll blow and I'll blow till the snot comes out, but I swear I must have Mario and Luigi in there, tinkering away with the Dunkin Donuts man at the helm saying..."it's time to make the phlegm!"
Of course, over the counter drugs rarely work, so all of this usually requires a trip to the doctor. This is nothing new as it's been going on my whole life. I've actually had tubes in my ears twice and my adnoids taken out, along with my tonsils. In this respect, it could be much, much worse. There are adults that still have bad ear/nose and throat problems and require tubes. I'm, fortunately, not one of those people.
However, the first 20 or so years of my life I had this kick ass pediatrician. He had a great bedside manner that you simply don't come by anymore and he also got to know his patients as individuals which is a great quality in a doctor, not to mention a kid's doctor. He knew how to fix me before I said anything. It was great.
Then I had to go and grow up. I've regretted this decision ever since.
When I go to new doctors I am glaringly aware of the fact that they are not my pediatrician and that they never will be, no matter how many Dum Dum pops they supply. When I try to explain my unique situation, usually I get a "doctor knows best" mixed with a bit of "say what?" reactions. But the doctors rarely know best when I have a cold. I know what they're thinking. They think I'm just another hypochondriac patient who hates being sick. So because of this, timing is everything. If I go to soon they say let it run its course, but if I let it go too long, it's too late. I must. get. drained.
Yes, sometimes the remnants of a cold back me up so much that no pill alone can remedy it. Instead, they have to pull out the big guns, the ear drainer. I call it the ear drainer because honestly, I have no idea what the technical name for it is. The ear draining device is filled with liquid and inserted into the ear, the pressure the water creates is the method used to flush out the ear of any excess wax or other cruddy stuff.
When done properly, this is a relatively painless, but definitively awkward procedure. You feel immense pressure followed by a tickling sensation and then, usually everything gets really, really loud as your hearing is suddenly the best it's been since well, the last time you had your ear drained. For this reason alone I don't understand why this procedure isn't more commonplace. I mean cars get their oil changed every 3,000 miles so it only seems fair.
However, when this procedure is done wrong, it is definitely not a pleasant experience. So how do you know if it's being done wrong? Well, for starters, if the doctor has to do it more than once, usually that means something's amiss. This ain't target practice. Hit me with your best shot. Once, not twice. You also know something's off if you suddenly yell "oww!" in the middle of the procedure. Yeah that whole business about the inner ear canal being a delicate place? That ain't no lie.
Unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of both types of these procedures.
So this is why I stock up on orange juice and Cold-Eeze at the first sign of a sore throat like it's going out of style. Most of the time this method works. I mean I'm down with my immune system overall. But even lovers need a holiday from each other. Peter Cetera taught me that. I just wish it wasn't such a long drawn out process.
I hate getting colds.
I know what you're thinking. Duh...Who likes getting colds? But I hate getting colds times infinity which means I really, really hate getting colds.
One downside of working in elementary education is the amount of germs you are exposed to on a daily basis. In fact, if you are OCD about germs I'd suggest staying away from the little ones. Did you hear me, Howie Mandell?
Luckily, the longer you work in education, the more of an immunity they say you build up. So this year I was sick around October and that was it...until now.
Having a cold in the springtime is just plain weird. Think about it. A cold in spring. Now that ain't right at all. Unlike when you get a cold in the winter, in the spring you feel even more stuffed up especially on humid days, like today. Sure every other week has been unseasonably cool but no, not this week. This is the week that it's supposed to get into the 80's. Hip freakin' hooray.
My hatred for colds does not come without reason. Sure YOU may hate getting a cold, but I can prove why it sucks even more when I get a cold. For one thing, once my cold is gone, I'm usually still sick. (Disclaimer: semi-gross stuff to immediately follow) See, after the snotty stuff moves from most folks noses, the cold is also, effectively removed. Not with me. No, the snotty stuff usually migrates to my throat, causing me to have a hacking cough which makes me suddenly sound like I'm a 3 pack a day smoker sans the Harvey Fierstein voice.
But the fun doesn't end there. While the whole throat thing is going on, apparently the mucus is multiplying and now heads towards my ears. Just like the big bad wolf, I'll blow and I'll blow till the snot comes out, but I swear I must have Mario and Luigi in there, tinkering away with the Dunkin Donuts man at the helm saying..."it's time to make the phlegm!"
Of course, over the counter drugs rarely work, so all of this usually requires a trip to the doctor. This is nothing new as it's been going on my whole life. I've actually had tubes in my ears twice and my adnoids taken out, along with my tonsils. In this respect, it could be much, much worse. There are adults that still have bad ear/nose and throat problems and require tubes. I'm, fortunately, not one of those people.
However, the first 20 or so years of my life I had this kick ass pediatrician. He had a great bedside manner that you simply don't come by anymore and he also got to know his patients as individuals which is a great quality in a doctor, not to mention a kid's doctor. He knew how to fix me before I said anything. It was great.
Then I had to go and grow up. I've regretted this decision ever since.
When I go to new doctors I am glaringly aware of the fact that they are not my pediatrician and that they never will be, no matter how many Dum Dum pops they supply. When I try to explain my unique situation, usually I get a "doctor knows best" mixed with a bit of "say what?" reactions. But the doctors rarely know best when I have a cold. I know what they're thinking. They think I'm just another hypochondriac patient who hates being sick. So because of this, timing is everything. If I go to soon they say let it run its course, but if I let it go too long, it's too late. I must. get. drained.
Yes, sometimes the remnants of a cold back me up so much that no pill alone can remedy it. Instead, they have to pull out the big guns, the ear drainer. I call it the ear drainer because honestly, I have no idea what the technical name for it is. The ear draining device is filled with liquid and inserted into the ear, the pressure the water creates is the method used to flush out the ear of any excess wax or other cruddy stuff.
When done properly, this is a relatively painless, but definitively awkward procedure. You feel immense pressure followed by a tickling sensation and then, usually everything gets really, really loud as your hearing is suddenly the best it's been since well, the last time you had your ear drained. For this reason alone I don't understand why this procedure isn't more commonplace. I mean cars get their oil changed every 3,000 miles so it only seems fair.
However, when this procedure is done wrong, it is definitely not a pleasant experience. So how do you know if it's being done wrong? Well, for starters, if the doctor has to do it more than once, usually that means something's amiss. This ain't target practice. Hit me with your best shot. Once, not twice. You also know something's off if you suddenly yell "oww!" in the middle of the procedure. Yeah that whole business about the inner ear canal being a delicate place? That ain't no lie.
Unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of both types of these procedures.
So this is why I stock up on orange juice and Cold-Eeze at the first sign of a sore throat like it's going out of style. Most of the time this method works. I mean I'm down with my immune system overall. But even lovers need a holiday from each other. Peter Cetera taught me that. I just wish it wasn't such a long drawn out process.
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