I'll Take Retention For 500, Alex

It's a new week which also means there's a new tenant in the house! Please go and knock on Whatchu Tawkin Bout's door. She's been waiting for YOU.

Disclaimer: This post contains circumstantial insights of one third grade teacher's experiences. This by no means represents you, your state, your views or your third grader. It is however, a rather depressing look into the future of America. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sometimes when I tell stories about my students I'm told I sound like a skit on Saturday Night Live. No, not lame ass Saturday Night Live skits featuring Chris Kattan or Horatio Sanz as the stars, but ones that were you know, actually funny.

In particular, my stories constantly get compared to SNL's Jeopardy spoofs featuring "still sorely missed, but good for you and your success" featured player, Will Ferrell. You've probably seen them one time or another. Will plays the stuffy host, masquerading as a smart guy, Alex Trebek, to perfection. Every skit featured three other players posing as celebrities who are depicted as being dumber than rocks. Ones that come to mind include Ben Stiller's Tom Cruise, David Duchovny as Jeff Goldblum and of course, Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery.

The skits featured amazingly simple categories and even simpler questions. The best moments always culminated in the final jeopardy questions.

One of my favorite Celebrity Jeopardy exchanges went something like this:

Alex Trebek: And it's time for Final Jeopardy. The Final Jeopardy category is just answer the question ---Where are you right now? Just right down where you are right now. It could be California, or a game show, or earth, or the word "here." Ok, let's get this over with. Tom Cruise, you wrote down: "Go." And you wagered: "For it." Go for it. You certainly did.

Tom Cruise: [ Laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Moving on. All right, Adam Sandler, you wrote down: "Abbie Doobie."

Adam Sandler: Abbie Doobie...[ Gibberish ]

Alex Trebek: I feel like I want to punch you. Mr. Connery, where are you right now? You wrote: Good, Lord, you wrote "indoors"! That's phenomenal! Are we recording this?! Ok, let's look at your wager. "I heart boobs." That's beautiful. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth. Good day.

Amazingly, my day to day exchanges with my third grade students are really not all that different. I know I have a particularly low group, but that doesn't change the fact that this is the future of America and, I God help me, have been hired to try and teach them. Therefore, keep in mind I laugh only to keep from crying.

Examples of my Jeopardy like existence are occurring all the time. This might not even be the BEST example, but it's an example nonetheless.

The other day I gave a Social Studies test. The test was simple and required very little studying. Instead it meant to be more of a on the spot means of testing comprehension. Remember that the children can come up and ask me questions about the test at ANY TIME and that these were not new concepts to any of the students who were tested.

There was a multiple choice section with vocabulary words we had been working on like religion, heritage and opportunity. The second section involved the students reading a product map of Georgia and then answering questions about the map that tested their understanding of how to use a compass and how to read a map key. The third and final section involved reading a table, a skill we have been working with, off and on, since September.

Instead of just telling you about the test, I figured I'd print some of the questions and ACTUAL ANSWERS I received here. Remember, like Whitney once said, the children are our future and the future, is downright scary.

Question: In how many places in Georgia is cotton grown?
Answers:
There are 8 cotton
2 places can't grow
It is Alabama
7 cottons
Augusta

Question: In how many places in Georgia are peanuts grown?
Answers:
4 peanuts
Savannah (got this answer twice)
4 peanuts grown
The cotton growth is in Augusta
Alabama

Question: In what part of Georgia are wood products made?
Answers:
In North Carolina wood products are made
Tennesse and North Carolina

Question: What product is found only off the Southeast coast of Georgia?
Answers:
Alabama and Florida
Nothing is found in the Southeast
animals and fruit
In North Carolina on the Southeast coast
O products on the Southeast coast
Savannah (the ever popular answer for everything, apparently)
An indephirable symbol
Atlantic Ocean

Question: What animals are raised along the Northwestern border of Georgia?
Answers:
(here comes) Savannah (again!), Augusta, Atlanta
There are four animals raised in the Northwestern
8 in the border of Georgia
4 animals
South Carolina

Question: What country had the most immigrants going to Washington DC?
Answers:
802 immigrants
2,188

Question: How many immigrants from India went to Washington DC?
Answers:
1,465 India went to Washington DC
Mexico

Question: Which city had more immigrants from Mexico?
Answers:
They had 34,973

Question: Which city had more immigrants from China?
Answers:
They had 473 immigrants.

Question: How many immigrants from India went to Washington DC?
Answers:
Vietnam

Question: In how many places in Georgia are peanuts grown?
Answers:
Alabama
8 peanuts

When all was said and done I had ONE student receive what constituted as an A. About half the class passed, half the class failed. Out of the ones who passed though, it still wasn't pretty.

I went back and forth over how to address this. At first I thought I'd have to break the test down for them. In the beginning of the year I did a lot of this, hoping how they approach taking tests, with some guidance, would improve.

But now it's January, and quite frankly, we're reaching the mid year mark. You can't spoonfeed them forever. The fact of the matter is 90% of my class falls into one of two categories: the don't get its and the don't cares. Either way, it doesn't look good.

In my classroom, any test a child fails goes home to be signed. Sometimes I let the students retake a test for extra points, but since the answers to the majority of this test were right under their nose, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

This time I did not let the children retake the test for extra points, but I did make the children retake the test. I didn't give them back their old grade and instead I generalized mistakes I saw on all of the tests. I noticed one very important thing, the answers were a lot better when they had to verbalize them.

I mean my students are low, but they know what an animal is. They know what directions are. They even know Savannah is not now, nor has it ever been, a number.

No what the majority of my students are is L-A-Z-Y. The rest of them can read a passage to you, but they can't comprehend their way out of a paper bag, especially once that says "open here".

This is a BIG problem. So we talked about it. They gave me answers that made sense, in theory. I told them that I didn't even care if they were right anymore. So you don't know the number of places where cotton grows in Georgia. Big deal. You can at least give me a number though, right? It's amazing the things we'll settle for when we're feeling desperate.

I started to grade the retake tests this weekend and believe it or not, some of the kids, the same kids who sat through my pep talk about reading carefully, some of whom even LAUGHED at the ridiculous responses made some of the very. same. mistakes.

So now I've gone through all five stages of the grieving process:

In September, I was in DENIAL that this particular group of students, as I was warned, wouldn't want to learn.
I was ANGRY when I saw they weren't trying to learn.
I BARGAINED with them trying to bribe them into learning. (more on this in another post)
I was DEPRESSED because I pour my heart and soul into trying to make them learn.

So now, the only stage left is ACCEPTANCE.

I must have the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the foresight into realizing, no matter what happens, there are only five months left.