Heaven Knows It's Not The Way It Should Be
Ok, so maybe I jumped the gun a little using the word last in my last post. Cause before I knew it, here I am, talking about it again. Instead I should have used the expression it ain't over till the fat lady sings. Or in this case, it ain't over till your boyfriend breaks up with you...again.
If this post seems out of the blue don't worry, just play along. Really, I should have listened to Rick Springfield and never talked about the situation without all the details to (semi) strangers.
A brief, but necessary history. My (ex)boyfriend and I have been off and on for the last five years. We've had our share of differences, most of which I always believed we could work through. But it's hard being in a relationship where you are the only one who believes in it and when he changes his mind about your future the way most people change their underwear. That being said, I still wasn't the "breaker". I don't know why, but historically no matter how messed up something is, I am loyal to a fault and stick with toxic situations even when I know I shouldn't. It's weird how I am rational in every other area of my life, except when it comes to he who shall not be named.
All along I always said this blog wasn't going to be a blog about that. But right now I'm mad, and posting to your blog when you're mad is just about as smart as calling ex-boyfriends when you're drunk which no, I didn't do. I might regret posting this at all, but in the moment I don't care and I need to vent more than anything else.
Jewel once said, "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." Well, if you take away the last seven words, you'd have me. I am sensitive, but I often wish it weren't so. So when I read some of your comments on my latest post, I took them to heart. Sometimes meaning gets "lost in translation" and somehow along the way I think I inadvertently offended people by posting about my relationship here.
As with everything on this blog, the bag post was meant to be a serious issue with a somewhat light approach. Trust me, most of what you all said has occured to me before, but I guess I didn't expect people to dig as deeply as they did. Man, you guys are good! Everything you said to me rung true because as the comments piled up, all of the concerns I work so hard to push down did as well. This is also probably why I hadn't really posted anything about the relationship on this blog up until this point.
So how did I handle it? By writing another post which in retrospect was so stupid to do. But you know what they say about hindsight. Like when I said "don't go there" for instance. I meant there were aspects of our relationship that I didn't feel like blogging about, one because it's private and two because I could literally devote a seperate blog to my relationship woes. Just ask anyone who knows me. It would be next to impossible to address all of your concerns in one single post, but not acknowledging them at all didn't seem right either. Or when I said that there were deeper meanings attached to the argument, I was more or less saying that perhaps it was unfair to write all of that without giving the whole story, which again, is probably impossible to do. But just like with any incident, when it's retold, it's often retold in isolation. So in essence, I was sort've apologizing for posting it in the first place but at the same time apologizing for posting something to my blog is almost as silly as my questioning my right to ask about a bag for my purchase. Get all that?:)
That being said, all of your comments and concerns are welcome and taken seriously. Please don't think otherwise, despite the way my posts (or comments) may seem sometimes. You should know I've even gotten to a point where I rarely speak about the issue with real lifers because they've heard it all before and are probably sick of a situation where the writing is so obviously on the wall to everyone, including me, if I could just step outside myself, if that makes any sense.
But back to the reason for this post- the breakup. I wrote a long, convoluted post about the backstory of our relationship, but realized it was growing way too long to post here and assume it would be of any interest. It's partly that and the fact that maybe I'm still not ready to share that part of myself. Maybe that's wrong. But it's still ok because it's my blog damnit, just as it was my purchase and thus, my bag.:)
For the record, the breakup was not about the bag or the bag incident post, although to me it stemmed from something equally as small, at least in theory. But just like many of you pointed out, small arguments are rarely, if ever, about all the small things.
All you really need to know at this point is that you, my faithful readers, know more about my day to day existence than he does. So long story short, I'm posting this here as a reminder to myself of how I felt on this day in the hopes it will help me remember this feeling. I also promise to work on sharing more of this side of myself in the future because I think it's good to have an outlet to let it out, just not all at once. In the meantime, feel free to ask all the questions you want. As David Hyde Pierce once said, "I live my life as an open book, I just don't intend to read it to anyone."
If this post seems out of the blue don't worry, just play along. Really, I should have listened to Rick Springfield and never talked about the situation without all the details to (semi) strangers.
A brief, but necessary history. My (ex)boyfriend and I have been off and on for the last five years. We've had our share of differences, most of which I always believed we could work through. But it's hard being in a relationship where you are the only one who believes in it and when he changes his mind about your future the way most people change their underwear. That being said, I still wasn't the "breaker". I don't know why, but historically no matter how messed up something is, I am loyal to a fault and stick with toxic situations even when I know I shouldn't. It's weird how I am rational in every other area of my life, except when it comes to he who shall not be named.
All along I always said this blog wasn't going to be a blog about that. But right now I'm mad, and posting to your blog when you're mad is just about as smart as calling ex-boyfriends when you're drunk which no, I didn't do. I might regret posting this at all, but in the moment I don't care and I need to vent more than anything else.
Jewel once said, "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." Well, if you take away the last seven words, you'd have me. I am sensitive, but I often wish it weren't so. So when I read some of your comments on my latest post, I took them to heart. Sometimes meaning gets "lost in translation" and somehow along the way I think I inadvertently offended people by posting about my relationship here.
As with everything on this blog, the bag post was meant to be a serious issue with a somewhat light approach. Trust me, most of what you all said has occured to me before, but I guess I didn't expect people to dig as deeply as they did. Man, you guys are good! Everything you said to me rung true because as the comments piled up, all of the concerns I work so hard to push down did as well. This is also probably why I hadn't really posted anything about the relationship on this blog up until this point.
So how did I handle it? By writing another post which in retrospect was so stupid to do. But you know what they say about hindsight. Like when I said "don't go there" for instance. I meant there were aspects of our relationship that I didn't feel like blogging about, one because it's private and two because I could literally devote a seperate blog to my relationship woes. Just ask anyone who knows me. It would be next to impossible to address all of your concerns in one single post, but not acknowledging them at all didn't seem right either. Or when I said that there were deeper meanings attached to the argument, I was more or less saying that perhaps it was unfair to write all of that without giving the whole story, which again, is probably impossible to do. But just like with any incident, when it's retold, it's often retold in isolation. So in essence, I was sort've apologizing for posting it in the first place but at the same time apologizing for posting something to my blog is almost as silly as my questioning my right to ask about a bag for my purchase. Get all that?:)
That being said, all of your comments and concerns are welcome and taken seriously. Please don't think otherwise, despite the way my posts (or comments) may seem sometimes. You should know I've even gotten to a point where I rarely speak about the issue with real lifers because they've heard it all before and are probably sick of a situation where the writing is so obviously on the wall to everyone, including me, if I could just step outside myself, if that makes any sense.
But back to the reason for this post- the breakup. I wrote a long, convoluted post about the backstory of our relationship, but realized it was growing way too long to post here and assume it would be of any interest. It's partly that and the fact that maybe I'm still not ready to share that part of myself. Maybe that's wrong. But it's still ok because it's my blog damnit, just as it was my purchase and thus, my bag.:)
For the record, the breakup was not about the bag or the bag incident post, although to me it stemmed from something equally as small, at least in theory. But just like many of you pointed out, small arguments are rarely, if ever, about all the small things.
All you really need to know at this point is that you, my faithful readers, know more about my day to day existence than he does. So long story short, I'm posting this here as a reminder to myself of how I felt on this day in the hopes it will help me remember this feeling. I also promise to work on sharing more of this side of myself in the future because I think it's good to have an outlet to let it out, just not all at once. In the meantime, feel free to ask all the questions you want. As David Hyde Pierce once said, "I live my life as an open book, I just don't intend to read it to anyone."
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